1
00:00:00,600 –> 00:00:03,700
We’ve talked often on this
podcast about this idea of a

2
00:00:03,700 –> 00:00:07,100
default normal?
And we long for our life, my

3
00:00:07,100 –> 00:00:11,200
lives of those around us to fall
into that place of normalcy.

4
00:00:11,600 –> 00:00:16,100
And when it doesn’t, we
struggle, we resist, or we avoid

5
00:00:16,600 –> 00:00:20,700
this tendency presents itself in
a consistently Stark way when it

6
00:00:20,700 –> 00:00:24,200
comes to disabilities because
even an understanding them is

7
00:00:24,200 –> 00:00:27,300
disabilities.
We are putting a high value on

8
00:00:27,300 –> 00:00:29,900
our understanding of default
abilities.

9
00:00:30,200 –> 00:00:33,700
And so when we or someone we
know or someone we interact with

10
00:00:33,700 –> 00:00:37,000
is not able to in the way that
we assume they should be, we

11
00:00:37,000 –> 00:00:40,100
struggle, this is what our
guests Colleen and her husband

12
00:00:40,100 –> 00:00:42,900
had to navigate.
They were filled with excitement

13
00:00:42,900 –> 00:00:45,800
at the birth of their daughter
and all that could mean for her

14
00:00:45,800 –> 00:00:48,800
life and their lives until
suddenly became clear.

15
00:00:48,800 –> 00:00:52,400
That something was going on with
their daughter and is Colleen

16
00:00:52,400 –> 00:00:55,600
received diagnosis.
After diagnosis, she began to

17
00:00:55,600 –> 00:00:58,200
grieve the things that could now
never be.

18
00:00:58,700 –> 00:01:02,100
However God.
To show her something different,

19
00:01:02,100 –> 00:01:06,200
God, wooden Colleen to see her
daughter as he saw her, and

20
00:01:06,200 –> 00:01:09,800
instead of seeing her situation
is one to lament God.

21
00:01:09,800 –> 00:01:11,500
Wanted her to consider that her
daughter.

22
00:01:11,500 –> 00:01:16,900
Might actually be blessed.
You’re listening to episode. 161

23
00:01:16,900 –> 00:01:19,200
of the where did you see God
podcast?

24
00:01:33,300 –> 00:01:34,200
Father.
God, I just want to thank you

25
00:01:34,208 –> 00:01:36,000
that you are God and you are
good.

26
00:01:36,000 –> 00:01:38,100
And I just thank you for these
conversations that you’re

27
00:01:38,100 –> 00:01:40,800
bringing about and just the
reality that there’s so much you

28
00:01:40,800 –> 00:01:43,100
want to communicate to us if
we’re willing to listen, so

29
00:01:43,100 –> 00:01:44,900
right now, Colleen.
I just want acknowledge that

30
00:01:44,900 –> 00:01:48,000
we’re here and we’re ready for
you to speak through us or even

31
00:01:48,000 –> 00:01:49,900
to us.
And so, we want to submit

32
00:01:49,900 –> 00:01:53,900
everything to you, our words,
our thoughts, because we want

33
00:01:53,900 –> 00:01:55,500
whatever it is.
You have in mind.

34
00:01:55,600 –> 00:01:58,000
And to be what comes through, we
want you to be honored and

35
00:01:58,008 –> 00:02:00,000
glorified.
So we give you this time, we

36
00:02:00,000 –> 00:02:02,000
give you the space and we thank
you in advance for how we

37
00:02:02,000 –> 00:02:05,300
believe you will work here and
be on this premise.

38
00:02:05,300 –> 00:02:06,800
Holy and precious name.
Amen.

39
00:02:07,400 –> 00:02:10,699
Colleen.
I’m excited that were able to

40
00:02:10,699 –> 00:02:13,700
talk and connect and there’s
just so much about your story

41
00:02:13,700 –> 00:02:15,900
that I’m really glad that we’re
going to get to talk about.

42
00:02:15,900 –> 00:02:19,900
But before we jump in for those
that are listening what would

43
00:02:19,900 –> 00:02:22,300
you want them to know about who
you are?

44
00:02:22,300 –> 00:02:26,200
As we start this conversation.
Hi everybody my name is Colleen

45
00:02:26,200 –> 00:02:30,400
fall.
I am a wife and mother of two,

46
00:02:30,600 –> 00:02:32,600
beautiful rambunctious young
toddlers.

47
00:02:32,800 –> 00:02:34,800
One of them is blessed with
special needs.

48
00:02:34,800 –> 00:02:40,900
Her name is Grace and it was in
the process of finding out about

49
00:02:40,900 –> 00:02:45,400
all of her medical conditions.
That was what inspired me to

50
00:02:45,400 –> 00:02:47,900
write a children’s book?
Which is what kind of led me to

51
00:02:47,900 –> 00:02:51,000
Paul.
So that’s pretty much all you

52
00:02:51,000 –> 00:02:54,000
really need to know about me is
that I’ve got two kids Special

53
00:02:54,000 –> 00:02:55,500
Needs.
I’m a children’s book author.

54
00:02:55,600 –> 00:02:56,900
Author.
That’s it.

55
00:02:57,400 –> 00:03:01,200
Yeah, and out the gate you’ve
already said something that

56
00:03:01,300 –> 00:03:03,700
there are a number of people
that if they were honest would

57
00:03:03,700 –> 00:03:06,400
say, I don’t know what to do
with that, because you said

58
00:03:06,400 –> 00:03:08,600
blessed with special needs,
right?

59
00:03:08,600 –> 00:03:12,200
Which there’s this mentality
that a lot of people have that

60
00:03:12,200 –> 00:03:15,400
special needs isn’t a blessing
or it’s something to be upset

61
00:03:15,400 –> 00:03:17,600
about or it’s something to avoid
or it’s that right?

62
00:03:17,600 –> 00:03:21,300
I call these things and so now
you said it authentically in

63
00:03:21,300 –> 00:03:24,400
genuinely.
And so I think this is part of

64
00:03:24,400 –> 00:03:25,500
why I’m excited for this
conversation.

65
00:03:25,600 –> 00:03:27,600
Station because so much of the
conversations.

66
00:03:27,600 –> 00:03:30,700
I’ve had keep hitting this point
of a perspective shift.

67
00:03:30,900 –> 00:03:34,500
We see life in reality, one way,
and then there’s an invitation

68
00:03:34,500 –> 00:03:37,900
to see it how God sees it.
So, I’d love to just jump right

69
00:03:37,900 –> 00:03:40,300
into your story because I
imagine that’s part of your

70
00:03:40,300 –> 00:03:41,900
story.
There’s active shit.

71
00:03:41,900 –> 00:03:44,400
Yes.
Oh gosh, yes.

72
00:03:44,400 –> 00:03:48,200
So I think a good place to start
is with my daughter.

73
00:03:48,400 –> 00:03:52,900
My daughter, Grace, when she was
born, we didn’t know of any

74
00:03:52,900 –> 00:03:56,300
medical issues that she had.
As far as we, Knew she was a

75
00:03:56,308 –> 00:04:00,700
healthy baby girl, but as the
months started going by, she was

76
00:04:00,700 –> 00:04:05,100
slow to reach Milestones which
had me kind of concerned.

77
00:04:05,100 –> 00:04:08,300
But not really, we noticed in
particular that her eyes were

78
00:04:08,300 –> 00:04:12,000
not focusing and that just made
me think that oh she probably

79
00:04:12,000 –> 00:04:16,100
has bad vision and that didn’t
bother me too much because I

80
00:04:16,100 –> 00:04:17,899
have bad Vision.
I wear contacts.

81
00:04:17,899 –> 00:04:21,300
My mom has a lazy eye, all the
women in my husband’s side of

82
00:04:21,300 –> 00:04:23,900
the family need contacts.
So, it kind of just runs in the

83
00:04:23,908 –> 00:04:26,800
family.
And so it wasn’t a Prize and I

84
00:04:26,808 –> 00:04:29,500
figured oh well when she gets
older she’ll just need glasses

85
00:04:29,500 –> 00:04:32,800
and she’s slow to meet these
Milestones things like reaching

86
00:04:32,800 –> 00:04:35,100
for things probably because she
can’t see them.

87
00:04:35,400 –> 00:04:38,400
So I took her to a couple of
opthamologist and they told us

88
00:04:38,408 –> 00:04:41,500
that that’s probably what was
happening and so it wasn’t too

89
00:04:41,500 –> 00:04:44,900
concerned about it at first
right when she got to about

90
00:04:44,900 –> 00:04:47,600
almost 5 months old, I was still
getting a little bit more

91
00:04:47,600 –> 00:04:50,100
concerned that there wasn’t any
Improvement at all.

92
00:04:50,100 –> 00:04:52,900
She had kind of reached a
standstill at the beginning of

93
00:04:52,900 –> 00:04:55,400
five months old.
And I was telling her

94
00:04:55,500 –> 00:04:59,000
Pediatrician that just to rule
everything else out.

95
00:04:59,000 –> 00:05:01,400
Can we have her looked at by a
neurologist?

96
00:05:01,400 –> 00:05:04,300
Just to find out and make sure
that there’s nothing else going

97
00:05:04,300 –> 00:05:07,200
on and her pediatrician was not
very concerned.

98
00:05:07,200 –> 00:05:09,900
But, you know, she humored me
and she said, fine, I’ll refer

99
00:05:09,900 –> 00:05:14,400
you to a neurologist and what
she did was she told me that the

100
00:05:14,400 –> 00:05:17,500
neurology department at the
hospital where we were at was

101
00:05:17,500 –> 00:05:21,200
very backed up and it would
probably be months before we

102
00:05:21,200 –> 00:05:23,300
could be seen.
So she was going to refer me to

103
00:05:23,300 –> 00:05:25,500
this other Hospital which was an
hour away.

104
00:05:25,600 –> 00:05:27,900
From where we live and I said
that was fine.

105
00:05:28,400 –> 00:05:32,300
The referral went through, and
this other hospital, it just

106
00:05:32,300 –> 00:05:35,300
really kept on giving me the
runaround I kept on calling and

107
00:05:35,300 –> 00:05:38,000
trying to make sure that this
appointment got made and it

108
00:05:38,000 –> 00:05:41,800
never happened one thing or
another would get you know

109
00:05:41,800 –> 00:05:44,100
something wasn’t filed
correctly, someone didn’t send

110
00:05:44,100 –> 00:05:47,000
something, you know this or that
or the other and of almost a

111
00:05:47,008 –> 00:05:50,200
month went by and we still
hadn’t even made an appointment

112
00:05:50,200 –> 00:05:52,300
for her.
So I was getting pretty

113
00:05:52,300 –> 00:05:55,300
frustrated with this other
hospital and in the meantime,

114
00:05:55,300 –> 00:05:58,000
oh, For that month.
Gracie, she not only didn’t make

115
00:05:58,000 –> 00:06:01,000
any progress.
She started regressing which

116
00:06:01,000 –> 00:06:03,600
really had me worried, she
stopped rolling over, she

117
00:06:03,600 –> 00:06:05,900
stopped smiling, she stopped
laughing.

118
00:06:06,100 –> 00:06:08,700
And that really had me
concerned, which was making me

119
00:06:08,700 –> 00:06:10,900
more and more frustrated with
this other hospital that we

120
00:06:10,900 –> 00:06:14,800
weren’t getting an appointment.
But then one day towards the end

121
00:06:14,800 –> 00:06:20,300
of November, she started doing
this really strange arm motion.

122
00:06:20,300 –> 00:06:23,100
We’re both of her arms would
just shoot up above her head

123
00:06:23,200 –> 00:06:25,408
like they just shoot up and stay
there for a few.

124
00:06:25,600 –> 00:06:27,800
Seconds.
And then they come back down.

125
00:06:28,000 –> 00:06:30,800
And if you looked at her face
when she did it, you can tell

126
00:06:30,800 –> 00:06:35,600
she herself was surprised by
this and upset by it and then it

127
00:06:35,608 –> 00:06:37,700
would happen again like 10
seconds later.

128
00:06:37,900 –> 00:06:41,100
Like so in Rapid succession over
and over and over again, her

129
00:06:41,100 –> 00:06:43,700
arms would just keep shooting up
and I just kept on looking at

130
00:06:43,700 –> 00:06:45,100
her.
It’s like, why is she doing

131
00:06:45,100 –> 00:06:46,900
that?
What is that, what’s going on?

132
00:06:47,100 –> 00:06:50,600
And I had a really weird feeling
in my gut of just something is

133
00:06:50,600 –> 00:06:52,000
off.
I don’t know what it is, but

134
00:06:52,000 –> 00:06:54,400
something’s off.
And I showed it to my husband

135
00:06:54,400 –> 00:06:57,800
and he said, oh, She’s probably
just being her quirky self.

136
00:06:57,800 –> 00:07:00,800
I’m not too concerned about it,
but I still had this feeling in

137
00:07:00,800 –> 00:07:04,000
my gut, so I took her next-door.
My mom happens to live next door

138
00:07:04,000 –> 00:07:07,000
to us and so I took her
next-door to see my mom when she

139
00:07:07,000 –> 00:07:10,200
got home from work that day and
she had started doing it again

140
00:07:10,200 –> 00:07:13,400
and I showed it to her.
And my mom said, no, that’s not

141
00:07:13,400 –> 00:07:15,300
normal babies, shouldn’t be
doing that.

142
00:07:15,300 –> 00:07:18,200
Something’s very wrong and I
think I just needed one other

143
00:07:18,200 –> 00:07:22,000
person to say that you’re not
crazy something’s up here and so

144
00:07:22,000 –> 00:07:24,500
I grabbed my daughter, I grabbed
my husband I said we’re going to

145
00:07:24,500 –> 00:07:27,600
the emergency room.
Now, so we got in the car.

146
00:07:27,600 –> 00:07:30,000
I didn’t even put her in the car
seat because her arms kept on

147
00:07:30,000 –> 00:07:32,100
shooting up.
I just held her the entire we

148
00:07:32,100 –> 00:07:35,200
probably could have gotten
arrested driving class that we

149
00:07:35,200 –> 00:07:37,900
did, but we were speeding and
the baby was not in the car

150
00:07:37,900 –> 00:07:39,600
seat, but we got to the
hospital.

151
00:07:39,900 –> 00:07:42,300
We took her in there.
And we were there for like five,

152
00:07:42,300 –> 00:07:47,000
maybe six hours, the emergency
room doctors took a chest x-ray.

153
00:07:47,000 –> 00:07:50,700
They did blood panels, and they
didn’t find anything.

154
00:07:51,100 –> 00:07:53,800
And they told us that she was
being fussy and they sent his

155
00:07:53,800 –> 00:07:58,000
home and This was after showing
them, you know what she was

156
00:07:58,000 –> 00:08:00,000
doing?
Showing them a video of this cry

157
00:08:00,000 –> 00:08:03,600
that she had, which I knew was
not her normal cry and they said

158
00:08:03,600 –> 00:08:05,900
we couldn’t find anything.
She’s being fussy, go home.

159
00:08:06,400 –> 00:08:12,200
And I think I think in that
moment I wanted to believe that

160
00:08:12,200 –> 00:08:15,200
that was the case I wanted to
believe that my little girl was

161
00:08:15,200 –> 00:08:18,200
okay and that I was
overreacting, she was just being

162
00:08:18,200 –> 00:08:20,000
fussy and she’d be fine by
morning.

163
00:08:20,500 –> 00:08:24,300
I wanted to believe that.
So when the doctors told me that

164
00:08:24,300 –> 00:08:27,100
I took it as, okay, Coming
you’re being over-reactive, just

165
00:08:27,100 –> 00:08:28,700
go home and sleep, it’ll be
okay.

166
00:08:29,100 –> 00:08:33,400
And we did.
And the next day, I started

167
00:08:33,400 –> 00:08:35,200
texting a couple of girlfriends
of mine.

168
00:08:35,500 –> 00:08:37,299
Just telling him.
Oh, we went to the ER last

169
00:08:37,299 –> 00:08:39,900
night, you know, just chatting
up what was going on and I

170
00:08:39,900 –> 00:08:42,900
started describing these are
emotions that Gracie was doing

171
00:08:43,400 –> 00:08:47,000
one of my friends sent me this
video of another baby doing

172
00:08:47,000 –> 00:08:51,400
these exact same arm motions,
and the baby in that video.

173
00:08:51,400 –> 00:08:54,800
Had something called infantile.
Spasms, I had never heard of

174
00:08:54,800 –> 00:08:57,400
that.
Know what it was, but it just

175
00:08:57,400 –> 00:09:00,000
didn’t even sound good.
So I got on Google did a

176
00:09:00,000 –> 00:09:02,600
five-minute Google search and I
found out enough to know that it

177
00:09:02,600 –> 00:09:06,700
was a very rare and dangerous
form of epilepsy and it needs to

178
00:09:06,700 –> 00:09:09,200
get diagnosed immediately.
And it needs to be treated

179
00:09:09,200 –> 00:09:13,000
aggressively and there’s very
extreme consequences of it if

180
00:09:13,000 –> 00:09:17,300
left unchecked.
So finding that out, I got on

181
00:09:17,300 –> 00:09:21,400
the phone with her pediatrician
right away and I said that, I

182
00:09:21,408 –> 00:09:23,600
think my daughter is having
infantile spasms.

183
00:09:23,600 –> 00:09:26,200
She needs an EEG today that’s
You diagnose it?

184
00:09:26,200 –> 00:09:28,500
That’s the test to diagnose it
as an EEG.

185
00:09:28,600 –> 00:09:32,500
His basically, what’s happening?
What infantile spasms is your

186
00:09:32,500 –> 00:09:35,900
baby is basically having
hundreds of seizures, hundreds

187
00:09:35,900 –> 00:09:39,500
of little seizures 10 seconds
apart in clusters of up to

188
00:09:39,500 –> 00:09:44,000
hundreds at a time, it’s very
damaging to their brains and it

189
00:09:44,000 –> 00:09:48,400
can have long-lasting cognitive
and developmental delay effects

190
00:09:48,400 –> 00:09:50,700
on your child and everything
about it.

191
00:09:50,700 –> 00:09:52,800
I was finding out was, you know,
scary.

192
00:09:53,000 –> 00:09:54,900
So I got on the phone and I
said, I think she’s having

193
00:09:54,900 –> 00:09:57,300
infant.
All spasms, she needs an EEG

194
00:09:57,300 –> 00:09:59,200
today.
The lady at the office at the

195
00:09:59,200 –> 00:10:02,900
pediatricians office said well,
okay, we’ve see that you’ve

196
00:10:02,900 –> 00:10:05,600
already got a referral to a
neurologist on file.

197
00:10:05,600 –> 00:10:07,900
Why don’t you just, you know,
wait for your appointment with

198
00:10:07,900 –> 00:10:10,700
the other hospital and I said,
no, they’ve been giving me the

199
00:10:10,700 –> 00:10:12,900
runaround for the last month.
We’re not going to that other

200
00:10:12,900 –> 00:10:17,400
hospital.
She needs an EEG today and they

201
00:10:17,500 –> 00:10:21,400
put me on hold and then they
came back in a minute.

202
00:10:21,400 –> 00:10:23,900
And then they said, okay, well,
if you want to get seen by the

203
00:10:23,900 –> 00:10:27,100
neurology department here,
Thoroughly, as we can see, you

204
00:10:27,100 –> 00:10:30,600
is in a month and I said,
darling, I hear what you’re

205
00:10:30,600 –> 00:10:34,300
saying, and I understand what
you are saying, but I need you

206
00:10:34,300 –> 00:10:39,000
to hear and understand me, my
daughter needs an EEG today, and

207
00:10:39,000 –> 00:10:42,800
they put me on hold again.
Then they came back in a little

208
00:10:42,800 –> 00:10:45,800
bit and they said, okay, Miss
fall, we can schedule you for an

209
00:10:45,800 –> 00:10:49,500
emergency EG tomorrow, is that?
Okay, and I said okay we’ll wait

210
00:10:49,500 –> 00:10:54,200
until tomorrow.
So we had about 24 hours to wait

211
00:10:54,200 –> 00:10:57,100
and I used that time I’m to look
up everything I possibly could

212
00:10:57,100 –> 00:10:59,600
on Google of what infantile
spasms was.

213
00:10:59,700 –> 00:11:02,800
Like I said, literally
everything about it was scary

214
00:11:03,000 –> 00:11:05,200
and I just kept on praying.
Dear God, please let me be

215
00:11:05,200 –> 00:11:06,700
wrong.
Let this not be.

216
00:11:06,700 –> 00:11:09,000
What this is.
Let this not be happening to my

217
00:11:09,000 –> 00:11:11,600
daughter, but we went to the
hospital, we went for her

218
00:11:11,600 –> 00:11:13,900
appointment, they hooked her up
to the EEG.

219
00:11:13,900 –> 00:11:19,500
And within two minutes of being
hooked up the EEG technician,

220
00:11:19,500 –> 00:11:21,700
because the neurologist was not
in the room, he was somewhere

221
00:11:21,700 –> 00:11:24,500
else.
The technician starts getting on

222
00:11:24,500 –> 00:11:27,500
her phone and Like crazy.
She’s got a very concerned look

223
00:11:27,500 –> 00:11:29,700
on her face, and I asked her,
as, you know, is everything,

224
00:11:29,700 –> 00:11:32,000
okay?
And she tells me, I’m not

225
00:11:32,000 –> 00:11:34,600
supposed to tell you this
because I’m not a neurologist

226
00:11:34,600 –> 00:11:36,800
and I’m not qualified to make a
diagnosis.

227
00:11:36,800 –> 00:11:39,800
But I know that if this was my
daughter, I would want to know

228
00:11:40,200 –> 00:11:44,100
your daughter has infantile
spasms and I just was just like

229
00:11:44,500 –> 00:11:48,200
Boulder fell down on top of me,
I’m just like oh oh my worst

230
00:11:48,200 –> 00:11:51,100
fears coming true.
So they immediately admitted us

231
00:11:51,200 –> 00:11:54,300
to the emergency room again and
we ended up staying for like

232
00:11:54,300 –> 00:11:57,800
three days and then neurologist
ordered like a hundred tests

233
00:11:57,900 –> 00:12:01,900
bunch of different things.
Blood draws ECGs and MRI spinal

234
00:12:01,900 –> 00:12:07,200
but all kinds of things and it
was in doing an MRI of her brain

235
00:12:07,300 –> 00:12:10,800
that they came back and said
your daughter’s brain MRI

236
00:12:10,800 –> 00:12:12,800
results.
Do not look typical.

237
00:12:13,400 –> 00:12:15,900
We don’t think it’s just
infantile spasms.

238
00:12:15,900 –> 00:12:19,300
We think your daughter has a
genetic disorder called tuberous

239
00:12:19,300 –> 00:12:23,200
sclerosis complex.
And again, I didn’t know what

240
00:12:23,200 –> 00:12:25,500
that was.
I’ve never heard of that before.

241
00:12:25,500 –> 00:12:30,600
So I got on Google and looked it
up and it turns out that what

242
00:12:30,600 –> 00:12:34,000
that is it’s an even more rare
genetic disorder.

243
00:12:34,300 –> 00:12:38,600
Basically, there’s a mutation on
my daughter’s DNA part of the

244
00:12:38,600 –> 00:12:42,900
gene that is responsible for
regulating cellular growth and

245
00:12:42,900 –> 00:12:44,900
it’s got a mutation and it’s
malfunctioning.

246
00:12:44,900 –> 00:12:49,800
So what that results in is
random growths of cells.

247
00:12:50,500 –> 00:12:54,500
All over her body in her vital,
organs in her brain on her skin.

248
00:12:54,500 –> 00:12:57,500
In her eyes, that can be
anywhere, literally anywhere,

249
00:12:57,900 –> 00:13:01,100
and they’re benign non-cancerous
tumors.

250
00:13:01,100 –> 00:13:04,600
So the tubers in and of
themselves are not dangerous but

251
00:13:04,600 –> 00:13:08,500
depending on where they show up
how many of them show up and how

252
00:13:08,500 –> 00:13:12,500
big they are, they can cause
very serious health

253
00:13:12,500 –> 00:13:15,900
complications.
So I’m finding all this out, all

254
00:13:15,900 –> 00:13:19,800
of this is so scary, at that
time.

255
00:13:20,100 –> 00:13:26,000
I think the best way to describe
what that was like, as a parent

256
00:13:26,000 –> 00:13:29,200
finding out that your daughter
has these conditions now, and

257
00:13:29,200 –> 00:13:32,600
this whole new life situation
that was a shock to us.

258
00:13:32,600 –> 00:13:36,100
The best way to describe that
was, well, first, it was just

259
00:13:36,100 –> 00:13:40,700
shock and then it was grief.
I think because an effect of

260
00:13:40,700 –> 00:13:44,300
both of these conditions is
developmental delay and

261
00:13:44,300 –> 00:13:48,400
cognitive mental, retardation,
and all kinds of things.

262
00:13:48,400 –> 00:13:52,200
There’s all kinds of things that
Basically meant that all of a

263
00:13:52,200 –> 00:13:55,300
sudden all these things that
most other parents, just kind of

264
00:13:55,300 –> 00:13:58,300
assumed and presume that their
kids are going to be able to do

265
00:13:58,300 –> 00:13:59,200
that.
Their babies are going to be

266
00:13:59,208 –> 00:14:02,300
able to borrow up to do.
We couldn’t take for granted

267
00:14:02,300 –> 00:14:04,300
anymore.
We honestly didn’t know if she

268
00:14:04,300 –> 00:14:08,600
was ever going to learn to walk
or to talk or to eat by herself.

269
00:14:08,600 –> 00:14:12,000
We didn’t know if she’d ever be
able to function on her own as

270
00:14:12,000 –> 00:14:15,000
an adult.
We didn’t know any of that and

271
00:14:15,000 –> 00:14:17,900
we couldn’t assume that it would
happen because those are not

272
00:14:17,900 –> 00:14:21,200
Givens with these conditions
with just One of them let alone

273
00:14:21,200 –> 00:14:23,900
both of them being in play here.
It was.

274
00:14:23,900 –> 00:14:27,300
Extremely scary.
Just being overwhelmed, just

275
00:14:27,300 –> 00:14:30,100
generally.
But then also like I said

276
00:14:30,100 –> 00:14:32,900
there’s a grief there because
all of a sudden the life and the

277
00:14:32,900 –> 00:14:34,900
hopes and the dreams that we
thought we were going to have

278
00:14:34,900 –> 00:14:36,500
that.
I thought my daughter was going

279
00:14:36,500 –> 00:14:42,200
to have was suddenly gone and so
it’s grieving not necessarily

280
00:14:42,400 –> 00:14:45,500
grieving a death, but grieving a
life that we didn’t get to live

281
00:14:45,800 –> 00:14:47,900
and this is just where my brain
went.

282
00:14:47,900 –> 00:14:52,000
I found out that tuberous
sclerosis Complex is autosomal

283
00:14:52,000 –> 00:14:55,000
dominant which means that any
child that.

284
00:14:55,000 –> 00:14:58,300
My daughter would have would
have a fifty fifty percent

285
00:14:58,300 –> 00:15:02,800
chance of passing that Gene on
to her child which is a really

286
00:15:02,900 –> 00:15:06,800
high risk.
And there’s a broad range of

287
00:15:06,900 –> 00:15:10,300
Effectiveness in this.
So she could have a child who

288
00:15:10,300 –> 00:15:13,500
has a case that is much more
mild than her or a much more

289
00:15:13,500 –> 00:15:16,000
severe case.
So it’s just it’s very, very

290
00:15:16,000 –> 00:15:18,800
risky.
And so all of a sudden I started

291
00:15:18,800 –> 00:15:22,000
questioning this is Just one of
my heart went, I’m probably

292
00:15:22,000 –> 00:15:25,000
never going to get to have
grandchildren by her and so, I’m

293
00:15:25,000 –> 00:15:26,500
grooving.
The grandchildren that I will

294
00:15:26,500 –> 00:15:30,200
never get to have and there was
just a lot of grieving going on,

295
00:15:30,200 –> 00:15:33,000
so it was a shock and it was
very, very scary.

296
00:15:33,900 –> 00:15:38,700
So you asked earlier about why I
would say blessed with special

297
00:15:38,700 –> 00:15:42,900
needs, I would say, at first, it
didn’t feel like that.

298
00:15:43,100 –> 00:15:48,500
At first, my perspective Was
Fear feeling like something had

299
00:15:48,500 –> 00:15:53,100
been taken from my daughter.
From me and not knowing what was

300
00:15:53,100 –> 00:15:55,900
coming, fear of the unknown.
And I was just, I’m a very

301
00:15:55,900 –> 00:15:58,300
faithful person.
So I turned to my prayer life

302
00:15:58,300 –> 00:16:01,900
and turn to God and started
having some very honest

303
00:16:01,900 –> 00:16:06,300
conversations with God, about
basically, what the heck?

304
00:16:06,300 –> 00:16:10,100
And why is this happening?
I didn’t want this for her,

305
00:16:10,100 –> 00:16:12,200
please don’t let this be the
case.

306
00:16:12,200 –> 00:16:14,100
I was praying for a miracle,
that’s what it was.

307
00:16:14,100 –> 00:16:17,200
I was praying for a miracle.
I don’t want these conditions to

308
00:16:17,200 –> 00:16:20,000
be a part of her life.
That was the perspective.

309
00:16:20,100 –> 00:16:24,300
Of right off the get-go and then
God, kind of just let me sit in

310
00:16:24,300 –> 00:16:29,200
that for a while he kind of just
let me sit in that because I

311
00:16:29,200 –> 00:16:32,400
knew that God is good.
I knew that he provides and that

312
00:16:32,400 –> 00:16:36,300
he is loving and that he has a
plan and that plan is better

313
00:16:36,300 –> 00:16:38,800
than mine.
Like I know all of this stuff in

314
00:16:38,800 –> 00:16:44,600
my head but this was without a
doubt the most extensive

315
00:16:44,600 –> 00:16:48,100
occasion in my life where I had
been called to actually live out

316
00:16:48,100 –> 00:16:49,900
that walk by faith, not by sight
sin.

317
00:16:50,100 –> 00:16:53,600
Real in my life of just give
this to God, surrender, this to

318
00:16:53,600 –> 00:16:56,300
God.
It took me a while to like

319
00:16:56,300 –> 00:17:00,300
wanting to but not being able to
just open my hands and let God

320
00:17:00,300 –> 00:17:04,800
take this and you know genuinely
trying wanting to like you know

321
00:17:04,800 –> 00:17:07,700
God I want to trust you.
I want to trust in your will and

322
00:17:07,700 –> 00:17:10,099
not mine but I don’t want this
for her.

323
00:17:10,200 –> 00:17:13,500
My will is so strong that I just
don’t want this for her.

324
00:17:14,300 –> 00:17:19,500
It was in that it was in that
dark space of.

325
00:17:19,500 –> 00:17:22,000
Just I felt Like I was just in a
cloud all the time and I

326
00:17:22,000 –> 00:17:25,700
probably was, you know, on a
clinical level kind of depressed

327
00:17:25,700 –> 00:17:27,400
for you.
No good month or two on.

328
00:17:27,400 –> 00:17:29,700
Some of them I probably could
have used medicine or something

329
00:17:29,700 –> 00:17:31,400
but I just prayed through it
all.

330
00:17:31,400 –> 00:17:34,300
I just prayed through it and
spend a lot of time at church

331
00:17:34,300 –> 00:17:36,600
and just having those
conversations.

332
00:17:36,800 –> 00:17:40,300
But after a couple of months of
just being there and grieving

333
00:17:40,300 –> 00:17:45,300
and just being in that space of
just trying to say, God, I want

334
00:17:45,300 –> 00:17:49,300
to want, what you want for me.
That’s all I’ve got is I want to

335
00:17:49,300 –> 00:17:54,100
want what You want for me, but
what I want is for my daughter

336
00:17:54,100 –> 00:17:57,500
to be healed and that’s not what
you have willed.

337
00:17:57,500 –> 00:17:59,200
So I know there’s a disconnect
there.

338
00:17:59,400 –> 00:18:01,800
So help me get there.
That was kind of where my prayer

339
00:18:01,800 –> 00:18:04,000
was literally in the middle of
the night.

340
00:18:04,000 –> 00:18:07,200
One night, I just got inspired
to write a children’s book.

341
00:18:07,600 –> 00:18:13,800
The book ended up being all
about basically our story like I

342
00:18:13,800 –> 00:18:15,700
got up in the middle of the
night and just started typing

343
00:18:15,700 –> 00:18:19,600
like crazy and I wrote the whole
first draft and it was a

344
00:18:19,600 –> 00:18:20,300
children.
A book.

345
00:18:20,300 –> 00:18:23,300
So it’s not like a novel.
It was able to do it in one

346
00:18:23,300 –> 00:18:25,900
night.
After a few hours, I went back

347
00:18:25,900 –> 00:18:28,900
and read it the next morning and
it was like someone else had

348
00:18:28,900 –> 00:18:31,700
written it.
Because I wasn’t thinking any of

349
00:18:31,700 –> 00:18:34,000
the things in this book that I
had written down.

350
00:18:34,000 –> 00:18:36,200
I remembered writing it down,
but I don’t remember coming up

351
00:18:36,200 –> 00:18:38,300
with it.
And basically what the book was

352
00:18:38,300 –> 00:18:40,900
it was our story.
It was story of a mom and a dad

353
00:18:40,900 –> 00:18:44,000
who find out that their daughter
is going to be a very special

354
00:18:44,000 –> 00:18:45,900
child and is going to have needs
that.

355
00:18:45,900 –> 00:18:49,400
Most other kids don’t have.
The parents are really worried

356
00:18:49,400 –> 00:18:50,400
when they hear about.
This.

357
00:18:50,400 –> 00:18:54,600
And so they take it to prayer.
And in the book, Jesus comes and

358
00:18:54,600 –> 00:18:57,800
talks to the parents.
I think God inspired me to write

359
00:18:57,800 –> 00:19:01,500
this book as an answer to my own
prayer, the questions and the

360
00:19:01,500 –> 00:19:03,700
concerns that the parents have
in the book.

361
00:19:03,700 –> 00:19:07,600
And on the page are my exact
fears, and words and prayers,

362
00:19:08,100 –> 00:19:10,600
and Jesus answers me, our
answers, the parents in the

363
00:19:10,600 –> 00:19:14,200
book, and the parents are
praying God, please fix my baby.

364
00:19:14,500 –> 00:19:18,800
Just please fix our baby and
Jesus answers and says, fix your

365
00:19:18,800 –> 00:19:21,400
baby.
But She’s already exactly the

366
00:19:21,400 –> 00:19:25,400
way I chose to create her.
There’s a dialogue between the

367
00:19:25,400 –> 00:19:28,700
parents and Jesus and their
parents are like, you know, but

368
00:19:28,700 –> 00:19:31,200
the doctors say there’s
something wrong with her and

369
00:19:31,200 –> 00:19:35,600
Jesus goes, you know, lovingly
patiently, but very clearly my

370
00:19:35,600 –> 00:19:37,600
children.
Do you think I make mistakes?

371
00:19:38,200 –> 00:19:42,000
I have always known that.
This little girl was going to be

372
00:19:42,000 –> 00:19:46,900
yours and I have given her
exactly to you not as a mistake

373
00:19:46,900 –> 00:19:51,400
not as a punishment but as a
gift I’m sorry.

374
00:19:51,400 –> 00:19:52,400
I’m getting a little choked up
here.

375
00:19:53,500 –> 00:19:58,200
This child that I’ve given you
is already so incredibly loved

376
00:19:58,200 –> 00:20:00,700
by me.
I loved her even more than you

377
00:20:00,700 –> 00:20:02,500
do.
I love her more than you could

378
00:20:02,500 –> 00:20:07,400
possibly imagine and I gave her
specifically to you because I

379
00:20:07,400 –> 00:20:11,100
love her and I love you and this
child is going to be an Avenue

380
00:20:11,100 –> 00:20:16,300
of my grace to you and she is
going to be your path to Heaven

381
00:20:16,500 –> 00:20:19,000
by caring for her.
You will be caring for me.

382
00:20:19,000 –> 00:20:22,500
The least These and that is
going to be the path.

383
00:20:22,500 –> 00:20:25,800
I have created specifically for
you to reach heaven by caring

384
00:20:25,800 –> 00:20:30,100
for my precious child who I’ve
given to you as a gift and the

385
00:20:30,100 –> 00:20:33,600
parents, you know, they’re still
concerned and they’re wondering

386
00:20:33,600 –> 00:20:35,700
like, you know, do I even have
what it takes to take care of

387
00:20:35,700 –> 00:20:39,200
her and he calms their fears and
he says, listen I have known.

388
00:20:39,200 –> 00:20:41,400
She was going to be yours since
before you were born.

389
00:20:41,400 –> 00:20:46,300
I have been preparing you for
this child, your entire life and

390
00:20:46,300 –> 00:20:48,300
I have given you the braces that
you need.

391
00:20:48,400 –> 00:20:51,300
And I am here with you through
through every step of the way.

392
00:20:51,600 –> 00:20:54,700
You are never alone and I love
you too because you’re my

393
00:20:54,700 –> 00:20:58,100
children too.
And is this very I feel like a

394
00:20:58,100 –> 00:21:02,100
very real conversation in the
context of a children’s book

395
00:21:02,100 –> 00:21:05,900
that is somehow relatable just
as much for the children as it

396
00:21:05,900 –> 00:21:07,800
is for the parents.
I think in the end it’s a

397
00:21:07,800 –> 00:21:10,300
children’s book but I wrote it
just as much for the parents as

398
00:21:10,300 –> 00:21:13,000
for the kids.
At the end of the book, the

399
00:21:13,000 –> 00:21:16,000
parents are able to look down at
their baby girl, as she sleeping

400
00:21:16,000 –> 00:21:19,300
and say, you really are a
precious gift from God.

401
00:21:19,300 –> 00:21:22,900
You’re Gift.
And all of her is a gift, every

402
00:21:22,900 –> 00:21:27,000
aspect of her condition.
And she’s a gift, not in spite

403
00:21:27,000 –> 00:21:30,500
of her condition, but because of
it, I don’t know where the

404
00:21:30,500 –> 00:21:33,700
inspiration for that came from.
If it didn’t come from God

405
00:21:33,700 –> 00:21:35,200
because it certainly didn’t come
from me.

406
00:21:35,800 –> 00:21:38,700
I read it the next morning after
writing, the first draft, and I

407
00:21:38,700 –> 00:21:42,300
just cried, I showed it to my
husband and he cried and my mom,

408
00:21:42,300 –> 00:21:44,300
both.
My parents just cried is very

409
00:21:44,300 –> 00:21:47,200
near and dear to all of our
hearts and over the next couple

410
00:21:47,200 –> 00:21:50,000
of months, begin a conversation
of you should publish the This

411
00:21:50,100 –> 00:21:52,800
but just in the process of
writing the book that was very

412
00:21:52,800 –> 00:21:55,700
healing for me.
It was a very, very healing

413
00:21:55,700 –> 00:22:00,000
process and it helped me come to
understand and to accept the

414
00:22:00,000 –> 00:22:03,000
will that God had for my life.
And for my daughter’s life,

415
00:22:03,100 –> 00:22:08,200
also, what time has allowed for
me, is that I’ve been able to

416
00:22:08,200 –> 00:22:11,200
see my daughter grow, I’ve
gotten through that initial

417
00:22:11,200 –> 00:22:14,900
shock of all of this is new.
And what I thought was going to

418
00:22:14,900 –> 00:22:16,800
happen before isn’t the case
anymore.

419
00:22:16,800 –> 00:22:20,800
There’s this shock Factor But as
time went on That shock Factor

420
00:22:20,800 –> 00:22:25,800
wore off a little bit and I was
able to see my daughter is still

421
00:22:25,800 –> 00:22:28,300
my daughter and I still look
like I mean there was never a

422
00:22:28,300 –> 00:22:31,700
question of did I love her?
If anything this only made me

423
00:22:31,700 –> 00:22:33,400
love her more.
Every bit of this only made me

424
00:22:33,408 –> 00:22:37,500
love her more but there is still
Beauty and excitement and

425
00:22:37,500 –> 00:22:41,700
victory and joy at seeing her
grow even though it’s not at the

426
00:22:41,700 –> 00:22:45,000
pace of a normal toddler, even
though it’s not what people

427
00:22:45,000 –> 00:22:47,200
would call typical, she’s on her
own Journey.

428
00:22:47,600 –> 00:22:52,000
It’s like that perspective of of
the smallest, things become the

429
00:22:52,000 –> 00:22:56,100
hugest celebrations.
And there’s so much joy to be

430
00:22:56,100 –> 00:22:58,900
found in being the parent of a
child with a disability.

431
00:22:58,900 –> 00:23:02,800
There’s so much joy and so much
grace to be found in this life

432
00:23:02,800 –> 00:23:07,000
that we get to live.
And at first all I saw was the

433
00:23:07,000 –> 00:23:10,500
stuff that she wasn’t going to
get to have or get to do.

434
00:23:10,700 –> 00:23:14,300
I couldn’t even fathom the stuff
that she would get to do or the

435
00:23:14,300 –> 00:23:19,100
joy that she would bring to
others just by being herself and

436
00:23:19,200 –> 00:23:22,200
that Has been so healing to just
to see my daughter.

437
00:23:22,200 –> 00:23:25,300
Grow, she’s a delight.
She’s a gift of Grace.

438
00:23:25,300 –> 00:23:27,300
Her name is Grace, she’s a gift
of Grace.

439
00:23:27,900 –> 00:23:30,800
So that’s my story.
Basically, what I really

440
00:23:30,800 –> 00:23:33,800
appreciate you, sharing that and
being open and honest about it

441
00:23:33,808 –> 00:23:36,600
about not just the wonderful
Parts, but the hard part is the

442
00:23:36,600 –> 00:23:40,000
challenging Parts, the confusing
Parts because that’s the story,

443
00:23:40,200 –> 00:23:41,700
right?
Like we like to jump, right?

444
00:23:41,700 –> 00:23:44,200
To the end.
But if somebody did a broad

445
00:23:44,200 –> 00:23:47,300
sweep and said that frees
blessed with special needs, like

446
00:23:47,300 –> 00:23:49,400
somebody could say to you at the
very start of that.

447
00:23:49,600 –> 00:23:50,000
Story.
Oh no.

448
00:23:50,000 –> 00:23:51,900
But she’s gonna be blessed with
special needs is going to be a

449
00:23:51,908 –> 00:23:54,100
blessing.
It would be hard for you to

450
00:23:54,100 –> 00:23:55,500
internalize the hell.
Yeah.

451
00:23:55,500 –> 00:24:00,400
So you describe this very real
experience of grieving the loss

452
00:24:00,400 –> 00:24:03,400
of the life that could have been
and I think what’s beautiful is

453
00:24:03,400 –> 00:24:06,700
it made me think of a number of
things but one of those was when

454
00:24:06,700 –> 00:24:10,800
Jesus wept with Mary and Martha
when they were grieving the loss

455
00:24:10,800 –> 00:24:13,300
of Lazarus, right?
And it’s this idea that Jesus

456
00:24:13,300 –> 00:24:17,600
knew what would be what could be
a new the power of prayer.

457
00:24:17,600 –> 00:24:21,600
And yet he also knew that
Importance of sitting in that

458
00:24:21,600 –> 00:24:24,700
space of grief, he knew what
needed to happen in Mary and

459
00:24:24,700 –> 00:24:28,400
Martha’s Hearts because he could
have healed Lazarus from afar.

460
00:24:28,700 –> 00:24:30,500
He had healed other people from
afar.

461
00:24:30,600 –> 00:24:32,700
Hmm.
Not only did he choose to not

462
00:24:32,700 –> 00:24:35,400
heal from afar?
He chose to not even go, yeah,

463
00:24:35,400 –> 00:24:38,300
for several more days.
Yeah, because I think there is

464
00:24:38,300 –> 00:24:41,200
something that Jesus knew they
needed, as they sat in that

465
00:24:41,200 –> 00:24:44,500
space, and you even mentioned
that you said, God, let you sit

466
00:24:44,500 –> 00:24:47,100
in that, he did, he did.
And there is something so

467
00:24:47,100 –> 00:24:50,400
powerful about that because I
think part of the A journey is

468
00:24:50,400 –> 00:24:54,400
as we sit in that, we learn how
to release, we learn how to let

469
00:24:54,400 –> 00:24:57,500
go, we learn how to trust, we
learn how to see differently.

470
00:24:57,800 –> 00:25:00,800
And so rather than it being what
we hope, it will be somebody

471
00:25:00,800 –> 00:25:03,500
just tells us do think this way
and you’re like, okay, I’ll

472
00:25:03,500 –> 00:25:05,400
think that way.
It’s you come to realize.

473
00:25:05,400 –> 00:25:08,700
No, actually in my Humanity, I
didn’t want to think that way.

474
00:25:08,900 –> 00:25:10,800
Well, I wouldn’t have thought I
could think that way, but by the

475
00:25:10,800 –> 00:25:14,800
grace of God in his provision
here, I am now and I’m able to

476
00:25:14,800 –> 00:25:17,700
see things differently.
And what I love about your

477
00:25:17,700 –> 00:25:21,900
story, too, is the Story of your
children’s story is really

478
00:25:21,900 –> 00:25:24,300
beautiful.
Like you woke up and you’re

479
00:25:24,300 –> 00:25:27,700
like, I know I wrote this but I
don’t know where these thoughts

480
00:25:27,700 –> 00:25:30,500
is a problem because I
definitely was not thinking this

481
00:25:30,500 –> 00:25:32,700
stuff and it’s beautiful because
it’s like God gave you.

482
00:25:32,700 –> 00:25:37,400
This really unique gift unique
way of speaking to you, because

483
00:25:37,400 –> 00:25:40,500
he was also trying to speak to
your husband and also trying to

484
00:25:40,500 –> 00:25:43,200
speak to your parents and also
trying to speak to every person

485
00:25:43,200 –> 00:25:47,300
who is now purchasing that book
because you’re not alone in that

486
00:25:47,300 –> 00:25:51,300
journey of something is Is wrong
with my child or the doctors are

487
00:25:51,300 –> 00:25:53,600
saying, something is wrong with
my child, and I don’t know what

488
00:25:53,600 –> 00:25:56,200
to do.
Now they’re hearing this message

489
00:25:56,200 –> 00:25:59,600
of Jesus saying, why are you
saying something’s wrong?

490
00:25:59,900 –> 00:26:03,300
Yeah, maybe I know what I’m
doing, but it’s a huge shift,

491
00:26:03,300 –> 00:26:05,500
right?
It is because again, that

492
00:26:05,500 –> 00:26:08,500
grieving of loss of life, like,
the reality, is, there is a

493
00:26:08,500 –> 00:26:11,800
reality that doesn’t exist.
Yeah, that couldn’t exist,

494
00:26:11,800 –> 00:26:14,900
barring a supernatural Miracle,
which you can happen, but often

495
00:26:14,900 –> 00:26:18,300
God chooses not to do that.
Meanwhile, there’s this

496
00:26:18,300 –> 00:26:21,300
abundantly more.
We could ask or imagine that

497
00:26:21,300 –> 00:26:25,000
also could exist.
If we would just release our

498
00:26:25,000 –> 00:26:28,500
death grip on what we want to
be.

499
00:26:29,000 –> 00:26:31,300
Oh man.
And it really was an eye-opener.

500
00:26:31,500 –> 00:26:35,200
I’m only speaking for myself
here, but I know that I had no

501
00:26:35,200 –> 00:26:41,000
idea how attached I was to these
hopes and dreams that my

502
00:26:41,000 –> 00:26:44,000
daughter’s future that I didn’t
even realize I had.

503
00:26:44,300 –> 00:26:46,800
That were just kind of sitting
around in my subconscious, I

504
00:26:46,800 –> 00:26:49,400
guess, but I didn’t even
realize.

505
00:26:49,500 –> 00:26:53,000
As that decades from now I want
grandkids and that’s really

506
00:26:53,000 –> 00:26:55,000
important to me.
I didn’t even realize that I

507
00:26:55,000 –> 00:26:57,100
want her to be able to get
married one day.

508
00:26:57,100 –> 00:26:59,800
I want her to be able to, you
know, have a job and have a

509
00:26:59,808 –> 00:27:01,600
choice of.
Does she want to stay at home?

510
00:27:01,600 –> 00:27:03,800
Does she want to work?
Like, I want her to be able to

511
00:27:03,800 –> 00:27:07,200
decide that one day, I wanted
her to have a normal life and I

512
00:27:07,208 –> 00:27:10,100
didn’t realize how attached I
was to that.

513
00:27:10,100 –> 00:27:14,100
And so it was really eye-opening
of we need to let go of our

514
00:27:14,100 –> 00:27:16,400
Earthly attachments.
In order to be able to enter

515
00:27:16,400 –> 00:27:19,400
Heaven, we need to let go of
what we’re clean.

516
00:27:19,600 –> 00:27:22,800
To on Earth and I didn’t realize
how much I was clinging to.

517
00:27:23,300 –> 00:27:28,000
And so it was a really big
eye-opener and it was a pruning.

518
00:27:28,000 –> 00:27:29,900
I think would be a good word for
it.

519
00:27:29,900 –> 00:27:34,000
It was a very powerful pruning
process for me of just letting

520
00:27:34,000 –> 00:27:37,900
me know these things that I’m
hanging on to this, but you need

521
00:27:37,900 –> 00:27:40,400
to let go of it.
If you want to be more mine

522
00:27:40,600 –> 00:27:43,200
saying, Jesus, if you want to
belong to me, you have to let go

523
00:27:43,200 –> 00:27:44,900
of this stuff.
I didn’t even know, I was

524
00:27:44,900 –> 00:27:48,400
holding onto it, that was a hard
process, but a good process.

525
00:27:48,400 –> 00:27:50,600
Ultimately, you know, Hindsight
20/20.

526
00:27:50,600 –> 00:27:53,500
It was good that I was able to
go through that, but there’s no

527
00:27:53,500 –> 00:27:55,600
fun going through it.
Yeah.

528
00:27:55,600 –> 00:27:58,300
And there’s something else that
you said that speaks to that,

529
00:27:58,300 –> 00:28:03,000
and I think is really powerful.
And it’s when you said to God, I

530
00:28:03,000 –> 00:28:06,700
want to want what you want, but
I want what I want.

531
00:28:07,200 –> 00:28:11,100
And it’s just really honest
owning of God.

532
00:28:11,100 –> 00:28:14,600
I want to understand and seek
you and follow you and release

533
00:28:14,600 –> 00:28:16,700
to you.
But I also, it’s really hard for

534
00:28:16,700 –> 00:28:19,600
me to let go of these things,
and it’s reminiscent of when In

535
00:28:19,608 –> 00:28:22,600
somebody in scripture says
Jesus, I believe helped me in my

536
00:28:22,600 –> 00:28:25,800
unbelief for the Apostle.
Paul says, I don’t understand

537
00:28:25,800 –> 00:28:27,300
what I do, because what I want
to do, I don’t do.

538
00:28:27,300 –> 00:28:28,600
And what?
I don’t want to do.

539
00:28:28,600 –> 00:28:29,600
I do?
Yes, yes.

540
00:28:29,600 –> 00:28:30,700
Yes.
And so, what you’re really

541
00:28:30,700 –> 00:28:34,500
speaking to is this reality that
again, somebody could say to

542
00:28:34,500 –> 00:28:38,300
you, well Colleen, just let go
of those things and we want to

543
00:28:38,308 –> 00:28:40,800
believe that will be like, you
know what, you’re right, boom,

544
00:28:40,800 –> 00:28:44,300
release.
But the reality is, is that it’s

545
00:28:44,300 –> 00:28:46,000
not a quick and easy fix like
that.

546
00:28:46,000 –> 00:28:48,900
It’s a choice to step in even
when we don’t know how, or we

547
00:28:48,900 –> 00:28:52,000
don’t have the Capacity and so,
how would you speak to somebody?

548
00:28:52,000 –> 00:28:54,500
That’s in that place of saying,
I want to get to the place where

549
00:28:54,500 –> 00:28:56,700
I want to want what God wants
but right now, I want what I

550
00:28:56,700 –> 00:28:58,600
want.
How do you step into that space?

551
00:28:58,600 –> 00:29:00,500
Even if you don’t know you have
the capacity.

552
00:29:00,700 –> 00:29:04,600
Well first of all, ask for the
grace to do it because nothing

553
00:29:04,600 –> 00:29:08,200
is impossible for God and we can
do nothing without him anyway.

554
00:29:08,300 –> 00:29:12,600
So ask for the grace to do it
but also I like the way you said

555
00:29:12,600 –> 00:29:16,000
that people would think it would
be easy to just let go of

556
00:29:16,000 –> 00:29:19,300
things, but that gives the
image.

557
00:29:19,900 –> 00:29:23,800
Of this being something that you
have to only do once instead of

558
00:29:23,800 –> 00:29:26,700
just this one action that you
have to do, instead, I think a

559
00:29:26,708 –> 00:29:29,500
better image to have in your
head is this is a skill, you

560
00:29:29,500 –> 00:29:33,100
need to learn, this is something
you need to do over and over and

561
00:29:33,100 –> 00:29:37,300
over again until you grow in
that virtue of being dose out to

562
00:29:37,300 –> 00:29:40,500
the will of God, and it’s
something that you have to

563
00:29:40,500 –> 00:29:44,200
practice and it’s something you
have to do until you get good at

564
00:29:44,300 –> 00:29:47,400
if you’re just starting out and
that skill is not something that

565
00:29:47,400 –> 00:29:49,000
you’re good at yet.
That’s okay.

566
00:29:49,000 –> 00:29:52,700
Keep Crying like it’s not a bad
thing that you’re struggling.

567
00:29:52,800 –> 00:29:56,400
God is in the struggle and you
are being brought closer to him

568
00:29:56,400 –> 00:29:58,100
in that struggle.
That’s all good.

569
00:29:58,100 –> 00:30:00,300
It’s okay.
Yeah it’s not a.

570
00:30:00,300 –> 00:30:03,500
Let go once and one and done
kind of thing.

571
00:30:03,500 –> 00:30:07,200
It’s something you have to do
every day multiple times a day.

572
00:30:07,200 –> 00:30:11,000
Probably every hour every minute
because I know I can speak from

573
00:30:11,000 –> 00:30:14,000
personal experience.
Those old desires kept on

574
00:30:14,100 –> 00:30:18,300
creeping, back in of oh I still
want this forever like it over

575
00:30:18,300 –> 00:30:21,800
and over again and I got Wrestle
with them every single day and I

576
00:30:21,808 –> 00:30:25,900
still wrestle with them.
It’s not until I get really good

577
00:30:25,900 –> 00:30:29,300
at running to Christ and
clinging to the Cross.

578
00:30:29,300 –> 00:30:33,500
He gave to me clinging to him
and he will carry me as I carry

579
00:30:33,500 –> 00:30:37,500
my cross, but getting good at
that is not something that

580
00:30:37,500 –> 00:30:40,000
someone should assume would be
easy.

581
00:30:40,100 –> 00:30:42,200
Yeah.
And I think your reminder is an

582
00:30:42,200 –> 00:30:45,400
important one that it isn’t a
one-time decision in.

583
00:30:45,400 –> 00:30:49,100
You’re good, you’re done.
It is a skill, it is a mindset,

584
00:30:49,100 –> 00:30:50,500
it is.
The theology.

585
00:30:50,500 –> 00:30:55,400
Yeah we choose to operate by
because the hard truth is your

586
00:30:55,400 –> 00:30:59,600
child is going to continue to
hit these age mile markers and

587
00:30:59,600 –> 00:31:03,500
be at a playground with kids of
the same age and your humanity

588
00:31:03,500 –> 00:31:06,200
is going to be like, oh man, my
child can’t do that.

589
00:31:06,200 –> 00:31:10,600
Or oh man, there’s kids are able
to go over here and she’s not

590
00:31:10,600 –> 00:31:13,900
able to yet.
And, and I think it’s good to

591
00:31:13,900 –> 00:31:16,500
own that that will be hard in
this world.

592
00:31:16,500 –> 00:31:18,400
You will have trouble, and
that’s what Jesus said.

593
00:31:18,400 –> 00:31:21,300
I imagine a part of Was his
recognition that we’re going to

594
00:31:21,300 –> 00:31:25,200
constantly?
See things and say, I wish it

595
00:31:25,200 –> 00:31:29,700
was this other way, or I wish I
could have that, but because I

596
00:31:29,700 –> 00:31:33,400
want to follow Jesus, I’m having
to release that, and that’s

597
00:31:33,400 –> 00:31:35,700
hard.
I Think Jesus wants us to know

598
00:31:35,900 –> 00:31:38,500
that he sees that, he
understands that he walked that

599
00:31:38,800 –> 00:31:40,400
Mickey did The Garden of
Gethsemane.

600
00:31:40,400 –> 00:31:44,200
He knows a little bit about what
it means to step into something

601
00:31:44,200 –> 00:31:49,600
hard, but yet he extends this
Grayson this love and this See.

602
00:31:49,600 –> 00:31:51,800
I mean, he’ll even write
children’s books for us.

603
00:31:52,800 –> 00:31:55,400
That’s what we need in our life
and all.

604
00:31:55,400 –> 00:31:59,600
He’s inviting us to is to be
willing to say, here we are and

605
00:31:59,600 –> 00:32:02,000
to step in and then to take
another step and the take

606
00:32:02,000 –> 00:32:06,000
another step to take another
step in and I love the fact that

607
00:32:06,000 –> 00:32:08,800
you’ve reiterated over and over
and we even said at the start,

608
00:32:08,800 –> 00:32:11,200
you know, blessed with special
needs, you’ve reiterated, the

609
00:32:11,200 –> 00:32:15,900
truth that when you’re willing
to do that suddenly you will see

610
00:32:15,900 –> 00:32:18,500
things that you wouldn’t have
seen before you appreciate

611
00:32:18,500 –> 00:32:20,900
things that you wouldn’t.
We stated before these little

612
00:32:20,900 –> 00:32:23,600
teeny victories.
That loads of other parents,

613
00:32:23,600 –> 00:32:26,800
don’t even think about your able
to experience a joy from.

614
00:32:26,800 –> 00:32:27,700
Yeah.
Oh my goodness.

615
00:32:27,700 –> 00:32:30,400
She was rolled over again.
Oh my goodness, she’s saying

616
00:32:30,400 –> 00:32:31,400
these words.
Oh my goodness.

617
00:32:31,400 –> 00:32:35,000
She’s oh my goodness.
She’s every little thing is it’s

618
00:32:35,000 –> 00:32:39,400
not a little thing, it’s huge
and there’s so much excitement

619
00:32:39,400 –> 00:32:42,400
that comes from it.
And I think what you said just

620
00:32:42,400 –> 00:32:45,600
kind of reminded me of those are
the eyes to see will see those

621
00:32:45,600 –> 00:32:48,500
with the ears to hear will hear
and not everyone has them.

622
00:32:48,500 –> 00:32:52,500
You not One is called to be a
special needs parent or to have

623
00:32:52,500 –> 00:32:56,500
that perspective and when you
are called to it quite often, it

624
00:32:56,500 –> 00:32:58,400
is a surprise, you it’s a
journey.

625
00:32:58,500 –> 00:33:03,200
It is a marathon, not a Sprint,
and it’s a process and it’s God

626
00:33:03,300 –> 00:33:05,900
reshaping us into the image of
him.

627
00:33:06,100 –> 00:33:09,000
It’s kind of like, you know,
he’s taking you as a block of

628
00:33:09,000 –> 00:33:13,900
marble and chiseling you into
His Image but chiseling is not

629
00:33:13,900 –> 00:33:14,800
easy.
Yeah.

630
00:33:14,900 –> 00:33:18,300
And it’s time consuming and it’s
uncomfortable.

631
00:33:19,500 –> 00:33:22,600
Time.
But at the end, you’re a

632
00:33:22,600 –> 00:33:23,800
masterpiece.
Yeah.

633
00:33:24,100 –> 00:33:25,700
If you can come through it.
Yeah.

634
00:33:26,000 –> 00:33:30,200
And though, not everyone will be
called by God to be a parent of

635
00:33:30,200 –> 00:33:31,900
a child.
That’s navigating a life with

636
00:33:31,900 –> 00:33:35,000
special needs.
I will say that all of us are

637
00:33:35,000 –> 00:33:38,400
called to see others as made in
the image of God.

638
00:33:38,500 –> 00:33:42,300
Yeah, love our neighbors and
love others, and I think that

639
00:33:42,300 –> 00:33:45,500
has been a struggle for us
around special needs.

640
00:33:45,900 –> 00:33:49,800
Many people don’t seek to
understand right many Oil will

641
00:33:49,800 –> 00:33:52,200
try to avoid because it’s it’s
hard.

642
00:33:52,300 –> 00:33:54,100
Yes, confusing.
It’s difficult.

643
00:33:54,300 –> 00:33:58,600
And for a lot of people they
will only engage that space if

644
00:33:58,600 –> 00:34:02,400
forced to either because they’re
navigating it with their own

645
00:34:02,400 –> 00:34:04,800
child or within their own family
or for me.

646
00:34:04,800 –> 00:34:07,500
And this is the reason I was so
excited about this conversation.

647
00:34:07,500 –> 00:34:10,699
Our closest friends a number of
years ago when they were

648
00:34:10,699 –> 00:34:13,600
pregnant learned that their
child would have Down syndrome

649
00:34:13,600 –> 00:34:16,600
and so they began their Journey
during pregnancy of.

650
00:34:16,699 –> 00:34:19,199
Oh my gosh, what is this mean?
And what do we do?

651
00:34:19,500 –> 00:34:21,900
And how do we navigate this, and
what does this mean for Life?

652
00:34:22,000 –> 00:34:26,600
Yeah, but they have also arrived
at place that you’ve arrived of,

653
00:34:26,600 –> 00:34:31,100
recognizing the gift, and the
blessing, and seeing all of this

654
00:34:31,100 –> 00:34:34,100
in a different light to the
point where one of them is now

655
00:34:34,100 –> 00:34:37,199
the executive director of the
Down Syndrome Association in our

656
00:34:37,199 –> 00:34:39,699
state.
And that wouldn’t have been a

657
00:34:39,699 –> 00:34:41,600
path that she would have ever
foreseen.

658
00:34:42,100 –> 00:34:45,699
But her understanding of down
syndrome, and her understanding

659
00:34:45,699 –> 00:34:49,199
of how God can do beautiful
things for all involved.

660
00:34:49,400 –> 00:34:52,500
In that space.
Mmm has positioned her there and

661
00:34:52,500 –> 00:34:54,800
and I’ll let them tell their
story if they ever want to share

662
00:34:54,800 –> 00:34:57,100
it.
But I think for me because of

663
00:34:57,100 –> 00:35:00,100
our friendship, now, I am having
to navigate this and admittedly

664
00:35:00,500 –> 00:35:04,700
I had only kind of lightly
touched into the idea of special

665
00:35:04,700 –> 00:35:07,900
needs and down syndrome.
Hmm, But now I’ve been given the

666
00:35:07,900 –> 00:35:10,800
opportunity.
Yeah, to press and more right,

667
00:35:11,300 –> 00:35:14,600
well, let’s say somebody’s
listening, who is in the space

668
00:35:14,600 –> 00:35:17,700
that you were in, maybe they
just got back from the doctor

669
00:35:18,000 –> 00:35:21,700
and they just learned Their
child is navigating something.

670
00:35:22,000 –> 00:35:23,400
If you could say something to
them.

671
00:35:23,400 –> 00:35:28,100
Now, what would you want to say?
I would say, oh gosh, there’s

672
00:35:28,300 –> 00:35:31,600
quite a few things.
I would say first though, before

673
00:35:31,600 –> 00:35:35,100
I did anything, I think I just
sit down and I just listened

674
00:35:35,500 –> 00:35:38,500
because, at least speaking for
myself.

675
00:35:38,500 –> 00:35:42,500
I didn’t have anyone in my
immediate Community when we were

676
00:35:42,500 –> 00:35:45,600
finding out about Gracie who was
in any kind of a similar

677
00:35:45,600 –> 00:35:49,400
situation, we didn’t have any
other special needs kids or We

678
00:35:49,400 –> 00:35:54,500
members in our family who could
relate, so to have someone else

679
00:35:54,700 –> 00:35:58,100
who gets it, who can just sit
there and listen

680
00:35:58,100 –> 00:36:01,600
non-judgmentally and be able to
relate to what you are saying.

681
00:36:01,900 –> 00:36:04,800
That is a game changer, that
would be huge.

682
00:36:04,800 –> 00:36:07,800
So first, I would just listen
and just tell me everything,

683
00:36:07,800 –> 00:36:10,700
tell me what you’re feeling,
tell me where you’re at, and I’m

684
00:36:10,700 –> 00:36:12,800
here with you.
That would be the first thing,

685
00:36:12,800 –> 00:36:16,700
but then after that, I would
tell them that they’re not

686
00:36:16,700 –> 00:36:19,200
crazy.
I’m speaking purely.

687
00:36:19,300 –> 00:36:20,800
Early from my own experience
here.

688
00:36:21,000 –> 00:36:23,500
But I know that this happens to
more than just me.

689
00:36:23,800 –> 00:36:28,200
It’s so often that you notice
something about your child and

690
00:36:28,200 –> 00:36:31,800
it kind of sets off alarm bells
and it makes you worry and you

691
00:36:31,800 –> 00:36:35,300
show it to someone else and it
gets dismissed and it’s kind of

692
00:36:35,300 –> 00:36:37,800
brushed off.
And it says, oh, that’s nothing

693
00:36:37,800 –> 00:36:42,000
to worry about and it’s very
easy to convince yourself that

694
00:36:42,100 –> 00:36:45,900
everyone else is looking at the
exact same thing I am.

695
00:36:46,000 –> 00:36:47,600
And they’re not saying what I’m
saying.

696
00:36:48,600 –> 00:36:51,100
So, I must be crazy.
And the answer is no, you’re

697
00:36:51,100 –> 00:36:53,900
not.
God has given you as the

698
00:36:53,900 –> 00:36:58,200
parents, a very special and
unique, Grace to care.

699
00:36:58,400 –> 00:37:02,200
And to be the caretaker of your
child, to be the expert on your

700
00:37:02,200 –> 00:37:05,400
child and to see things that no
one else can see.

701
00:37:06,000 –> 00:37:09,700
The reality is not that you’re
seeing things that aren’t there.

702
00:37:09,700 –> 00:37:12,500
The reality is that you are the
only one who can see those

703
00:37:12,500 –> 00:37:16,700
things because it is your task,
as a parent and therefore you

704
00:37:16,700 –> 00:37:20,000
have The Graces that no Else has
to notice things and did see

705
00:37:20,000 –> 00:37:22,900
things for your child.
So I would say to trust your

706
00:37:22,900 –> 00:37:25,600
instincts, you’re not crazy.
I’d tell them that they’re doing

707
00:37:25,600 –> 00:37:28,700
a fantastic job.
You need so much encouragement

708
00:37:28,700 –> 00:37:30,900
in that situation.
And the fact that they’ve gotten

709
00:37:30,900 –> 00:37:34,200
their child’s scene about
getting them care, getting them

710
00:37:34,200 –> 00:37:36,900
treatment, getting them
diagnosed that they’re doing

711
00:37:36,900 –> 00:37:39,500
what they have to do to make
sure that their child is cared

712
00:37:39,500 –> 00:37:41,500
for.
They’re doing a fantastic job

713
00:37:41,500 –> 00:37:45,000
and it is a Herculean feat and
they should be proud of

714
00:37:45,000 –> 00:37:49,900
themselves and they have a right
to feel Every single thing that

715
00:37:49,900 –> 00:37:52,500
comes their way except for
Guilt.

716
00:37:53,300 –> 00:37:56,900
That is the one thing they do
not have a right to but it’s a

717
00:37:56,900 –> 00:37:59,200
grieving process.
There’s a lot of emotions that

718
00:37:59,200 –> 00:38:01,100
are going to come through it.
You’re going to go through

719
00:38:01,100 –> 00:38:04,700
confusion anger, bargaining.
You know, all those stages of

720
00:38:04,700 –> 00:38:07,600
grief and that’s okay.
And that is good and that is

721
00:38:07,600 –> 00:38:10,500
part of the process.
And it’s all right but I would

722
00:38:10,500 –> 00:38:14,900
advise them strongly not to play
the what if game what if I had

723
00:38:14,900 –> 00:38:18,300
seen this or known?
What this was earlier or If I

724
00:38:18,300 –> 00:38:22,900
had acted with more Zeal sooner,
don’t blame yourself for seeing

725
00:38:22,900 –> 00:38:26,700
things with an untrained eye
when you have an untrained eye.

726
00:38:27,000 –> 00:38:30,900
I mean, that’s okay.
Yeah, hindsight is 20/20 God’s

727
00:38:30,900 –> 00:38:34,800
timing and all of it, the one
thing you do not have a right to

728
00:38:34,800 –> 00:38:37,700
is guilt.
You do have a right to every

729
00:38:37,700 –> 00:38:41,700
other emotion that comes though
and process it and that’s okay.

730
00:38:41,700 –> 00:38:43,900
And it’s actually good.
It’s important that you do

731
00:38:43,900 –> 00:38:49,000
process it because if you don’t,
that will stunt your Emotional

732
00:38:49,000 –> 00:38:52,700
abilities, which is going to
affect your ability to care for

733
00:38:52,700 –> 00:38:56,500
your child and your child needs,
the best of you, your child

734
00:38:56,500 –> 00:39:00,100
needs all of you.
So for the sake of your child

735
00:39:00,100 –> 00:39:03,200
care for yourself by letting
yourself completely, go through

736
00:39:03,200 –> 00:39:05,700
the process.
It’s kind of like the rule on

737
00:39:05,700 –> 00:39:08,100
the airplane where you have to
put on your own mask before you

738
00:39:08,100 –> 00:39:11,400
put on someone else’s.
So take care of yourself.

739
00:39:11,500 –> 00:39:14,200
Let yourself go through the
grieving process that naturally

740
00:39:14,200 –> 00:39:17,900
comes and that’s okay.
Yeah, finally I would probably

741
00:39:18,000 –> 00:39:21,200
Elysee find Community.
This is not something that is

742
00:39:21,200 –> 00:39:24,900
meant to be carried alone.
Find someone who can be in it

743
00:39:24,900 –> 00:39:27,800
with you.
I would suggest just as a

744
00:39:27,800 –> 00:39:30,900
practical step towards that, if
there’s no one in your immediate

745
00:39:30,900 –> 00:39:35,500
Community, who you can relate to
try to find first a Facebook

746
00:39:35,500 –> 00:39:39,000
group and those Facebook groups
are good for if you have

747
00:39:39,000 –> 00:39:42,800
questions but they’re not good
for the, you know, let’s all get

748
00:39:42,800 –> 00:39:44,400
together and share what’s going
on.

749
00:39:44,400 –> 00:39:47,900
Kind of thing that aspect of it.
However they are a hug.

750
00:39:48,400 –> 00:39:51,300
Of where all these other parents
are who are going through the

751
00:39:51,300 –> 00:39:55,500
same thing and just message, one
of them message.

752
00:39:55,500 –> 00:40:00,700
Somebody and find somebody that
you can talk to who is in a

753
00:40:00,708 –> 00:40:03,900
similar State as you, who’s
preferably a little bit further

754
00:40:03,900 –> 00:40:06,600
down the road than you are.
But who can walk with you?

755
00:40:06,900 –> 00:40:10,700
Find at least one other person
to be in this with you so that

756
00:40:10,700 –> 00:40:12,500
you are not alone.
You’re not meant to be alone.

757
00:40:12,700 –> 00:40:16,700
Yeah, it’s really good.
Now, somebody wanted to read

758
00:40:16,700 –> 00:40:19,600
your book or Or connect with
you, or what you’re doing.

759
00:40:19,600 –> 00:40:21,200
What’s the best way for them to
do that?

760
00:40:21,300 –> 00:40:26,000
So I have a website, God’s
precious gift.com and on there,

761
00:40:26,000 –> 00:40:28,800
there’s all kinds of information
about me about my daughter and

762
00:40:28,800 –> 00:40:31,900
you can buy my book from there.
The book is also available on

763
00:40:31,900 –> 00:40:36,000
Amazon, but on my website,
there’s a place where kind of

764
00:40:36,000 –> 00:40:38,800
just this Grassroots movement of
this book.

765
00:40:38,800 –> 00:40:41,500
Naturally, bringing me into
contact with so many other

766
00:40:41,500 –> 00:40:45,100
parents with children with
special needs, I have had the

767
00:40:45,100 –> 00:40:49,900
privilege of being in a position
to Of walk with several other

768
00:40:49,900 –> 00:40:52,400
parents, whose kids are just
getting diagnosed, who are in

769
00:40:52,400 –> 00:40:55,400
this, and I’ve had the privilege
of walking with them through it,

770
00:40:55,400 –> 00:40:57,200
just like, I described find
somebody.

771
00:40:57,400 –> 00:41:00,500
And so, if you are in that
position, you can fill out a

772
00:41:00,508 –> 00:41:03,500
little message to me and I’ll
try to get in touch with you.

773
00:41:03,500 –> 00:41:06,700
And if you need mentorship in
that sense, I’m there.

774
00:41:06,900 –> 00:41:08,600
You can also find me on
Facebook.

775
00:41:08,600 –> 00:41:13,700
My daughter has a Facebook page
called Grace’s TSC Journey which

776
00:41:13,700 –> 00:41:16,100
I put up all kinds of
information about my daughter

777
00:41:16,100 –> 00:41:17,800
and her progress and her
journey.

778
00:41:18,000 –> 00:41:21,700
And I’ve got an author page.
Colleen key fall, author is what

779
00:41:21,700 –> 00:41:24,200
it is, so that’s a mouthful.
But yeah.

780
00:41:24,600 –> 00:41:27,900
So I’ve got to Facebook pages
and a website, basically, nice.

781
00:41:28,500 –> 00:41:30,800
And as we close out, is there
anything else that God’s putting

782
00:41:30,800 –> 00:41:32,400
in your heart that you feel led
to share?

783
00:41:33,200 –> 00:41:38,200
I really hope that at least one
person who hears this podcast,

784
00:41:38,200 –> 00:41:39,600
that it really touches your
heart.

785
00:41:39,600 –> 00:41:41,400
That it’s something that you
needed to hear.

786
00:41:41,800 –> 00:41:43,800
I feel like there’s a lot of
things that I’ve said, in this

787
00:41:43,800 –> 00:41:46,100
podcast, that I wasn’t thinking
to say earlier.

788
00:41:46,100 –> 00:41:49,000
So, I hope that that’s God
speaking. to somebody out there,

789
00:41:49,300 –> 00:41:52,300
I’ll be praying for you and I’m
asking that you’ll pray for me

790
00:41:52,500 –> 00:41:55,700
and for my daughter and my whole
family as we journey together,

791
00:42:00,100 –> 00:42:17,900
The street shouting,
whether we want to admit it or

792
00:42:17,900 –> 00:42:22,400
not, we attribute a high level
of value to what we and others

793
00:42:22,400 –> 00:42:26,100
can produce and if we or others
can’t produce and the way that’s

794
00:42:26,100 –> 00:42:30,100
assumed something is wrong.
Ang and the value is diminished,

795
00:42:30,600 –> 00:42:33,100
but the truth is, God doesn’t
see.

796
00:42:33,100 –> 00:42:35,900
As we see, man.
Looks at the outward appearance,

797
00:42:35,900 –> 00:42:40,000
but God looks at the heart.
The internal something deeper in

798
00:42:40,000 –> 00:42:43,700
our faulty mindsets are why
seasons of suffering can be so

799
00:42:43,700 –> 00:42:45,800
difficult?
Because we think of all the

800
00:42:45,800 –> 00:42:48,700
things that we believe we
deserve, and that should be when

801
00:42:48,700 –> 00:42:52,100
they aren’t there.
Something is wrong yesterday.

802
00:42:52,100 –> 00:42:55,100
A good friend of mine Aisha
asked God if he had a word for

803
00:42:55,100 –> 00:42:57,800
me and spirit gave her something
from habakkuk 3.

804
00:42:58,200 –> 00:43:01,900
Captures the prayer of habakkuk
about a season of suffering and

805
00:43:01,900 –> 00:43:03,900
how God was powerful in the
midst.

806
00:43:04,100 –> 00:43:06,600
And the last section is what
really stood out to me.

807
00:43:06,800 –> 00:43:11,200
Starting in verse 17 though, the
Fig Tree does not bud, and there

808
00:43:11,200 –> 00:43:15,400
are no grapes on the vines
though the olive crop fails and

809
00:43:15,400 –> 00:43:18,400
the fields produce.
No food though, there are no

810
00:43:18,400 –> 00:43:22,500
sheep in the pain and no cattle
in the Stalls yet, I will

811
00:43:22,500 –> 00:43:26,300
rejoice in the Lord.
I will be joyful in God my

812
00:43:26,300 –> 00:43:30,800
savior, the sovereign.
Lord is my strength, he makes my

813
00:43:30,800 –> 00:43:35,000
feet like the feet of a deer.
He enables me to Tread On The

814
00:43:35,000 –> 00:43:38,300
Heights as I think about this
passage I think of our tendency

815
00:43:38,300 –> 00:43:41,100
to long for productivity and
outcomes.

816
00:43:41,300 –> 00:43:43,900
We want the fig trees of Our
Lives to Bud.

817
00:43:44,100 –> 00:43:46,200
We want there to be grapes on
the vines.

818
00:43:46,200 –> 00:43:48,200
We want the olive crop to
succeed.

819
00:43:48,200 –> 00:43:49,700
We went the fields to produce
food.

820
00:43:49,700 –> 00:43:52,700
We went there to be sheep and
cattle in the Stalls, and when

821
00:43:52,700 –> 00:43:55,700
it seems like our life isn’t
producing what we long for it to

822
00:43:55,800 –> 00:43:59,900
we can stumble and Colleen?
Herself in the same place as she

823
00:43:59,900 –> 00:44:03,000
looked at the child that she
loved and saw the significant

824
00:44:03,000 –> 00:44:06,200
developmental delays.
My child should be doing this,

825
00:44:06,200 –> 00:44:08,500
but isn’t my child should be
doing that?

826
00:44:08,500 –> 00:44:11,700
But a struggling, my child was
rolling but now she isn’t

827
00:44:11,700 –> 00:44:14,400
anymore.
Yet what this passage does is

828
00:44:14,400 –> 00:44:18,600
acknowledge that these moments
will happen and then we get

829
00:44:18,600 –> 00:44:22,800
Verse 18 yet, I will rejoice in
the Lord.

830
00:44:23,000 –> 00:44:27,800
I will be joyful in God.
My savior God, acknowledges that

831
00:44:27,800 –> 00:44:30,100
there.
Our moments, when life feels

832
00:44:30,100 –> 00:44:33,700
fruitless and wrong.
And yet somehow, we can still

833
00:44:33,700 –> 00:44:36,800
rejoice in him.
Somehow we can still be joyful

834
00:44:37,300 –> 00:44:39,900
part of this is because God is
deserving of that Glory.

835
00:44:39,900 –> 00:44:42,700
But the other part is something
that God chooses to do which we

836
00:44:42,700 –> 00:44:45,800
see in verse 19.
The Sovereign Lord is my

837
00:44:45,800 –> 00:44:49,000
strength.
He makes my feet like the feet

838
00:44:49,000 –> 00:44:52,100
of a deer.
He enables me to tread on the

839
00:44:52,100 –> 00:44:54,400
heights.
This means that we cannot only

840
00:44:54,400 –> 00:44:58,000
rejoice and be joyful in God,
even if things are going wrong.

841
00:44:58,200 –> 00:45:02,500
Found us but God can actually
equip us to go above and beyond

842
00:45:02,600 –> 00:45:05,500
where we might have thought we
could get when Colleen got

843
00:45:05,500 –> 00:45:07,900
diagnosis.
After diagnosis for Grace, her

844
00:45:07,900 –> 00:45:11,200
initial response was to think of
the future that was lost.

845
00:45:11,600 –> 00:45:15,600
And then Jesus met her one night
and spoke words that told her

846
00:45:15,600 –> 00:45:18,300
that she and her daughter were
going to climb higher than they

847
00:45:18,300 –> 00:45:20,500
ever thought.
They could that Colleen’s

848
00:45:20,500 –> 00:45:23,900
understanding of ability for
her, for her daughter was

849
00:45:23,900 –> 00:45:27,500
incomplete because God was going
to be able to do abundantly more

850
00:45:27,500 –> 00:45:29,700
than she could.
Ask or imagine regardless of

851
00:45:29,700 –> 00:45:33,400
what the world expected of her.
Or her daughter, the life, she’s

852
00:45:33,400 –> 00:45:36,400
living now is not what she would
have expected.

853
00:45:36,400 –> 00:45:39,500
But it is one in, which she
could say, regardless of how

854
00:45:39,500 –> 00:45:42,200
things aren’t going, the way
that I had hoped yet, I will

855
00:45:42,200 –> 00:45:46,000
rejoice in the Lord, I will be
joyful in God, my savior, The

856
00:45:46,000 –> 00:45:49,500
Sovereign Lord is my strength,
he makes my feet like the feet

857
00:45:49,500 –> 00:45:51,700
of a deer.
He enables me to Tread On The

858
00:45:51,700 –> 00:45:55,300
Heights and I want to say this
directly to you listening, if

859
00:45:55,300 –> 00:45:58,000
you feel like the crops of your
life are failing in the pen,

860
00:45:58,200 –> 00:46:00,400
They’re empty.
I want you to know that God is

861
00:46:00,400 –> 00:46:03,500
aware of your situation and he
may want you to know that you’re

862
00:46:03,500 –> 00:46:07,400
not limited but blessed.
And like Colleen said coming to

863
00:46:07,400 –> 00:46:10,200
understand and trust that
blessing is a journey in and of

864
00:46:10,200 –> 00:46:13,800
itself, but I do believe you
will get to that same place of

865
00:46:13,800 –> 00:46:17,800
being able to rejoice and be
joyful because God longs to

866
00:46:17,800 –> 00:46:21,400
enable you to Tread On The
Heights places, you never

867
00:46:21,400 –> 00:46:25,400
thought of climbing and wouldn’t
know how if you had because God

868
00:46:25,400 –> 00:46:27,500
wants abundantly more for you as
well.

869
00:46:28,100 –> 00:46:31,700
You matter to God.
He sees you and he is with you,

870
00:46:31,700 –> 00:46:34,400
no matter what.
Hardships life has thrown at you

871
00:46:34,700 –> 00:46:37,100
and the start of that Journey
right now might be as simple as

872
00:46:37,100 –> 00:46:40,700
saying God all I see is
Brokenness and limitations.

873
00:46:41,000 –> 00:46:44,400
Help me to see how I might
actually be blessed and then

874
00:46:44,400 –> 00:46:48,900
watch and listen because just as
God was with him back, he is

875
00:46:48,900 –> 00:46:51,800
with you.
So pray that and ask yourself,

876
00:46:52,100 –> 00:47:00,300
where did you see God?
Have you ever wanted to read

877
00:47:00,300 –> 00:47:01,800
Revelation?
But haven’t known where to

878
00:47:01,800 –> 00:47:05,100
start, or have you been afraid
to read Revelation because of

879
00:47:05,100 –> 00:47:08,200
all the ways you’ve seen it
misused or maybe you haven’t

880
00:47:08,200 –> 00:47:11,400
even wanted to touch Revelation
but feel like maybe you should

881
00:47:11,500 –> 00:47:14,600
since it’s part of the Bible.
Well, if you’re in any of these

882
00:47:14,600 –> 00:47:17,600
positions or any other ones,
I’ve got a resource for you,

883
00:47:18,100 –> 00:47:20,800
it’s called a journey through
Revelation for the person who

884
00:47:20,800 –> 00:47:24,500
doesn’t want to read Revelation.
And here’s the thing, the hope

885
00:47:24,500 –> 00:47:27,800
for this resource is that it
makes the expiration of who God

886
00:47:27,800 –> 00:47:31,500
is and what revelation Action
can mean for you accessible,

887
00:47:31,600 –> 00:47:34,800
whatever you believe and this
will not be your normal

888
00:47:34,800 –> 00:47:37,600
Revelation study, it’s not going
to dive into the historic

889
00:47:37,600 –> 00:47:40,800
representations of the imagery
or expertly decipher the

890
00:47:40,800 –> 00:47:43,200
prophecies.
The goal of this is not to tell

891
00:47:43,200 –> 00:47:46,400
you what Revelation means, it’s
to explore.

892
00:47:46,400 –> 00:47:49,900
What it can mean for you.
Now, this thing is available for

893
00:47:49,900 –> 00:47:53,000
you right now.
In a few forms, one, you could

894
00:47:53,000 –> 00:47:58,900
go to www.weather.gov/gjt
Elation and you can find a PDF

895
00:47:58,900 –> 00:48:02,300
for free, which you can read on
your phone on your device or

896
00:48:02,300 –> 00:48:04,800
print out.
But if you like something that’s

897
00:48:04,800 –> 00:48:08,300
a little nicer looking, it is
also available through Amazon on

898
00:48:08,300 –> 00:48:13,000
Kindle and in paperback form.
And I prefer paper back, whether

899
00:48:13,000 –> 00:48:16,300
you print it or you get the one
on Amazon because this gives you

900
00:48:16,300 –> 00:48:19,300
a place to write some things out
because you’re No want a place

901
00:48:19,300 –> 00:48:22,600
to write things out, because I
really do believe that God wants

902
00:48:22,600 –> 00:48:25,500
to speak to you, through
Revelation, whatever you feel

903
00:48:25,500 –> 00:48:28,800
about Revelation, whatever your
experience, and whatever you

904
00:48:28,800 –> 00:48:32,000
think about God.
So, if you’re interested, get it

905
00:48:32,000 –> 00:48:34,800
for free, get it for a very,
very, very low price.

906
00:48:34,800 –> 00:48:38,700
This is not about making money,
but about us together exploring,

907
00:48:39,000 –> 00:48:43,000
how we can see God in the midst
of such a difficult and

908
00:48:43,000 –> 00:48:48,400
controversial book.
Thank you so much for taking the

909
00:48:48,400 –> 00:48:51,000
time to listen to the way.
Did you see God podcast?

910
00:48:51,100 –> 00:48:53,600
And I would love for your
stories to be a part of it as

911
00:48:53,600 –> 00:48:55,500
well.
So there are a number of ways

912
00:48:55,500 –> 00:48:57,700
that you can do that.
You can check out our Facebook

913
00:48:57,700 –> 00:49:01,500
page at where did you see God
podcast you can go to Anchor.

914
00:49:01,500 –> 00:49:03,800
Dot f m /.
Where did you see God?

915
00:49:04,000 –> 00:49:08,400
Where you can leave a brief
voice message at 8:04 37 to 38?

916
00:49:08,400 –> 00:49:12,400
36, I would love to hear your
stories and if the stories

917
00:49:12,400 –> 00:49:15,800
you’ve heard have encouraged you
think of someone else, who could

918
00:49:15,800 –> 00:49:18,100
be encouraged.
As well and share it with them.

919
00:49:18,700 –> 00:49:21,700
The music you’ve been listening
to is you’ll walk you’ll run by

920
00:49:21,700 –> 00:49:26,200
Urban, doxology, they are a
solid group and you will love

921
00:49:26,200 –> 00:49:27,400
listening to the rest of the
music.

922
00:49:27,400 –> 00:49:30,800
So, check them out.
And as always as you go through

923
00:49:30,800 –> 00:49:34,100
your day, ask yourself, where
did you see God?