When we aren’t mourning, we can end up rejecting the mourning of others.

Perhaps you feel this doesn’t apply to you; after all, if you were at the funeral of a distant relative without sadness, you would not discredit the sorrow of another.  However, when someone’s mourning does not make sense to us, or worse impedes us in some way, we can be quick to dismiss, disconnect, or even oppose the mourner.  In America, we see this most widespread after a major election or a polarized national event.  We can be quick to say, “It’s not that bad; how is complaining making anything better?”

In Romans 12 Paul calls us to “mourn with those who mourn”; he does not say, “mourn with those who mourn insofar as it makes sense.”  For us, coming alongside the mourner necessitates understanding and agreeing with their mourning, and is usually driven by a desire to “make things better”; if those boxes aren’t checked, our presence becomes short-lived like Job’s friends’.  Yet this call from Paul seems to be about something beyond understanding and fixing:

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary:
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Romans 12:9-21

Some translations title this “Love in action”, and that theme of love — Biblical love, not our lesser human love — is evident throughout.  The call to “mourn with those who mourn” is born from something deeper than self, and for a greater purpose than self.

Honestly, we frequently fail to live this out.  This week alone I have heard from several friends in mourning who have been dismissed, discredited, and disavowed by fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.  There was no devotion, honor, or hospitality; there was cursing, pride, and conceit.  Peace was replaced with rejection, and the opportunity to overcome evil with good ignored.  The mourners found themselves not just isolated, but seen as lesser.

How is it we can be so ill-positioned for this call to love?  Perhaps it is because our positioning is heavily based on our human understanding and pursuits rather than the biblical mandates to “Love God and love others.”

“But I do love God!”
“Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen.”
1 John 4:20

“But I do love others!”
If your brother or sister is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy someone for whom Christ died.
Romans 14:15

Paul calls us to a positioning that is not only counter to our logic and self-preservation, but isn’t even meant for our own ends.  In fact, ask yourself, “when I mourn with those who mourn, why do I do it?  When I don’t, why not?”  Don’t rush past this; humbly consider it.

Realistically, the impact on ourselves — good or bad — tends to be the driver of our actions.  Herein lies our biggest hinderance to the calls of scripture: we live as individuals, not as members of a Body.  We believe this individualism is the best thing for our safety and advancement — after all, putting others first frequently comes at a cost — but this only makes sense if you ignore spiritual realities:

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
1 Peter 5:8-9

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
Ephesians 6:12

There is something greater than self, than the here-and-now, occurring in every moment, and the enemy wants us to dismiss and disconnect, as its easier for a lion to pick off a straggler than face a herd.  I thought of this in 2018 when the Spirit taught a group of us not just how to “mourn with those who mourn”, but why.  I had recently unjustly lost a ministry job and had my name maligned by once-close-friend, and was deep in mourning; little did I know that many around me were also mourning due to work, relationships, or health.  In that space the Spirit brought 1 Peter 5:8-9, alongside a reality from nature.

This reality is best captured by the “Battle at Kruger“, a popular video that depicts a pack of lions attacking a herd of Cape Buffalo.  Initially, it plays out as you would expect: the herd is grazing, the lions attack, the herd disperses in fear, and a straggler is captured.  In this case, a lion pounces on a young calf, who is not only overpowered by the pack, but two crocodiles.

This would have been the end, had it not been for the herd.  Choosing to reject fear and not reject the calf, they returned as one, a show of force too great for the once-powerful lions.

When the lions refused to release the calf, the buffalo became emboldened, and as lions flew into the air, the rest fled and the calf was freed.  I wonder if this moment forever changed the way the buffalo functioned, now knowing that in unity they had power over the lions.

What the buffalo discovered is what the Church has forgotten: our power is in our Biblical unity, and disunity is our undoing.  “Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.”  The enemy wants us divided because it is easier to pick us off like the calf, but we are called to ἀντίστητε (antistēte), which is not a singular call to resist, but “y’all resist”… plural, as one.  On that evening in 2018 we came as individual mourners and individuals not mourning, and found the Spirit inviting us to be one.  In this we found a power beyond ourselves to not just resist fear, but very real attacks of the enemy.

The struggle to “mourn with those who mourn” can be real, but more real is the power of the Spirit in and through us.  We must own our bend towards self-preservation and the schemes of the enemy towards disunity, and actively (and frequently) choose to live out Romans 12:9-12.  You are to “mourn with those who mourn” not because it makes sense, nor because you think it’s justified, nor because you hope to fix things, but because you have been given a clear mandate to love that person.

There is a pervasive lie that guides us regarding the purpose of life; Church, let us not be fooled:

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Here there is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Colossians 3:1-2,8-17